SQUAT KIT™
As seen in zero magazines

Dig.
Squat.
Conquer.

When nature calls in the middle of nowhere, you don't need an app. You need a hole. The SQUAT KIT™ is one shovel, one roll, and the moral authority to handle your business like a 17th-century pioneer.

Free dirt included
Ships in a brown bag
The SQUAT KIT — a steel shovel and a roll of toilet paper
ONLY $99
1
Shovel
1
Roll
0
Apps
∞
Dignity*
*Dignity not guaranteed past 4pm

What's in the box. (it's a bag.)

Item 01

The Shovel

Forged from cold rolled steel by a guy named Dwayne in Ohio. The handle is wood. The blade is sharp enough to dig, dull enough that the TSA didn't even blink. Doubles as a paddle, a tent stake, or a vague threat.

Item 02

The Roll

2-ply. Unscented. Biodegradable. Hand-wrapped in artisanal kraft paper by no one in particular. Survives one (1) average emergency or three (3) optimistic ones. Refills not included.

Backed by
Real Holes.

We dug 47 of them. None of them complained.

6–8 in
Recommended depth, per Leave No Trace and grandma
200 ft
Distance from water, trail, or judgment
12 sec
Average dig time on loamy soil
1 sheet
Minimum viable comfort. We don't make the rules.

Definitely Real Reviews

★★★★★
"Saved my marriage at mile 14"

She said 'I told you to pack one' and I said 'I did.' Game changer.

— Brent T.
★★★★★
"Better than therapy"

Cheaper too. The shovel really listens.

— Margaret K.
★★★★★
"Finally, competition"

Humans are doing it in the woods now. Respect.

— A Bear

FAQ

Is this serious?
About 60%. The shovel is 100%.
Is the toilet paper organic?
It's made of trees. We assume so.
Can I gift this?
We strongly encourage it. Especially to in-laws.
What if I don't go outside?
Then this is decor. Hang it. Be brave.
Refund policy?
If you used it, no. Be honest.

The woods are calling.
Answer them.

ships next time we feel like it